Jun 6, 2008


Dear Joe,
Just call me Raytz. I always listen to Lovenotes regularly and that makes Friday special to me. I'm 24 , single,and working for one of the largest banking firm in Makati. Joe, I'm not beautiful and I am not ugly as well. But, I am gifted with a lot of friends whom I know are all true to me. All throughout my school and career life I've never met someone whom I can call very special. I have had suitors but none of them were able to take my heart. I have had crushes but none of them became really special to me. I have had closest male friends but no other feelings grew aside from being friends.
I'm not just a typical career woman. I have extra curricular activity which I really am enjoying very much. It is my life as a choir member in our parish. I was contented and at peace being with the worshippers of Jesus. And I guess that's how God put my life in place. Until came the time, my life was troubled when this guy joined the group. Darren wasn’t so handsome but he had something in him that was very captivating. He is a talented person, humorous and very easy to be with-- an exact reflection of my personality.

At first, I never had a thought of falling in love with him because from the very start I warned myself not to fall for him. Darren came to know that he was just a brother to me. Then one day, things had changed between us, he never talked to me that much as he did before. He never called me as often as before and never even visited me at home anymore. During those times I felt the hurt I never felt in my entire life. I started to miss him. His sweetness, his jokes, his smile, his voice and his thoughtfulness. Things became so awkward between us and we became like total strangers .

But fate played with me ,Joe. I didn't know what had happened, chance came when I gave him a big smile and a pat on the back and the wall between us suddenly collapsed. Darren came alive again. Nothing special was going on between us but the thought of having each other near always, makes us happy. One day in May 1997, after the attending and singing in the mass, I got stunned and speechless when I heard Darren say he wants me to be his girlfriend. I believed every words that came from his lips Joe, but when he held my hand, I can't look at him. I was breathless. Though I wanted to say something, t words just slipped away because heaven was all that I could feel.

But Joe, Darren gave a different meaning to my silence. He thought I didn't like what he did and what he had said. I still can't catch my breath that time. If Darren only knew how happy I was I'm sure things will all be like heaven for us. Joe, I saw the sadness in his eyes and in the swooping of his shoulder when he never received any reaction from me. He just whispered "I'm sorry, I thought you feel the same way too". I really can't speak of a word that time Joe. Things went different between us after that memorable day. Everyday, I wished he could speak of those words again...and my wish was granted after several months of waiting. We became close again but still I cannot show the feelings I have for him. Days went by again with happy moments to be cherished and treasured. Until one day, the very same day after a year of confession of his feelings for me, May 1998, to my astonishment I never expected things will be more hurting than they were before. It seemed I was shot and nabbed a lot of times Joe, I felt the world had stopped revolving and I got shocked when I heard from his very own lips that he's getting married. At first I couldn't believe what I've heard, how could it be? But with his hand so cold and his eyes closed with tears flowing down his cheeks, I knew that was the moment I should believe it was not a joke. I came dead that fateful day. I was blinded by him I haven't realized he could have someone caring for him. But I still got the courage to handle the situation . I gave my love to him by the look in my eyes as if I was trying to show how much he really mean to me. And because I love him, I would not keep the fight. Instead I will let him go. Without the words of goodbye I only asked him to promise me he will still be there for me. Joe, as he held my hand ,I knew he didn't want me to go. But we need to accept the truth that we can now only be the best of friends and nothing more. Without tears in my eyes, I waived my goodbye to my bestfriend Darren.

After that saddest night of my life I decided not to see him . I avoided his name or anything that would remind me of him. But there never came a day that I could wear my brightest smile. Never came a day that my heart was not dying. It seemed like forever, Joe. I know it's too late to realize how much he means to me. That he was not just a friend. Too late to realize he was the man I want to be with always and forever. Everyday that passed was liked a restless day. I drowned myself with so much work and kept myself very busy just to fight the pain and the hurt that's killing me , hoping things in the office could save me. I almost brought myself to thinking of ending my life. But the thought of seeing him guilty if I have done that foolishness gave me an inch of hope and courage.
Months had gone before I got the courage to see him again. Only to realize, he still occupies the love I have in my heart. When we looked at each other's eyes it was all pain that we can see. And that pain taught me how to be strong...I stood on my decision of letting him go . I know it will take a long time to forget . Joe , I still ask myself how can I be so numb and coward in love? Why haven't I had the courage to show him the true feelings I have for him? Joe, I don't really know if I could still cope with this. I don't even know If I could still love again. And I don't know if I could still find another Darren. Will all this "why’s” and “ i don't know’s" come to an end?
I know it will take time before my heart can be healed again. I also know that the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past . I have also known that God never closes a door without opening a window. But I hope all these things will happen soon . Darren will always occupy a special place in my heart. I know God has His plan why He let me feel this pain, for in the life ahead I could be meeting someone I truly deserve. Joe, it hurts to love someone who cannot be yours but what is even more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let the person know how you truly feel. I wish this could also serve as a lesson to all lovenotes listeners . Don't let the chance of loving pass you by when it comes your way, for it could be the most wonderful gift a person can ever have.

More power to you Joe and God Bless.
Joes Notes
Dear Raytz,

Men have different ways of making their presence felt and have different approaches in laying the foundations for their platforms in courtship. For Darren, his calls and visits were vital and creating a solid ground for friendship and hopefully, a relationship based on it but on a deeper and more profound level. Unfortunately, his efforts weaned because you were too closed down that he felt he would just be a big brother to you forever .

Raytz, he liked you so much that all it took was a smile and a pat on the back to bring him up to his feet again. That incident gave him new hope to a chance that he thought he has lost already. It took him all his courage to confess his feelings that fateful day but all he got from you was just a silent, blank stare. He probably felt humiliated by what he did and how you reacted and that may have hinted him that was all there was to your friendship.

I wonder, Raytz, how could have you been so silent and unresponsive when your hands were held by the man you knew you have loved all along ? You realized he was hurt but you still expected him to say those words again . You could have , at least , in your own simple ways, made him see that you felt the same way for him, too. It is never too late but now inappropriate to let him know your true feelings. He married probably because of the pain you caused him and you wouldn’t want to hurt him more by letting him 1know that there could have been “us” for both of you, obviously not now that he’s committed already.

Raytz, I do believe that God never gives us those that are not for us. Darren was probably never meant to be more than a friend . You are destined for someone else but that will not come until you learn the lesson that God has taught you with Darren. True love never speaks in silence for silence holds a thousand meanings of clear thoughts and vague intentions .It even carries a dagger sometimes that can cause pain and irreparable damage.

I hope this letter will come across and make all of us realize we never have to wait for tomorrow to let someone know that we care. If we pass on love today there may never be a next day to show it and if there is still a next day then there may never be someone to show it to. Love is never afraid . If it is, then it isn’t love. Let us remember that we may never live another day to show it and people may never be around anymore when we finally decide to express it. Let us not miss the chance of showing love today so that when we wake up and open our eyes tomorrow we will never regret yesterday when we have found love and lost it because we were too selfish and afraid to show it.

1 Comment:

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